And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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