The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
