Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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