One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
