So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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