the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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