just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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