when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
