It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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