nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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