all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
