god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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