my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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