Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
