Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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