i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
