I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
