i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
