I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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