they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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