The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
