i think my mom watched the whole time
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
