The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
