did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize