what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
