I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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