I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
