I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
