mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize