I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
