why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
