bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
