my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize