I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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