Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
