and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Randomize
