it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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