This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
