I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
