Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Randomize
