I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Couch. On fire.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
