I faked an abortion last night.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
