Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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