he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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