woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
