she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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