how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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