Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just found puke in my bra..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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