I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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