Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
