My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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