I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
