i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
