I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
