do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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