it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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