the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize