OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
