I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
