mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
