well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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