you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
