My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
