So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
