Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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