if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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